Today, out of the clear blue, it just occurred to me that my first baby would be turning 7 years old this month! 7 years old! I cannot believe it's been that long. I remember finding out we were going to have a baby. I remember the joy that was in my heart.
I was 14 weeks pregnant. It was most likely one of the most awful, horrible turning points in my life. Up to that point, I tried to do everything perfect... living by all the rules. At that point in my life, I was trying to live such a righteous life. I would not speed because breaking the law was sinful. I wouldn't listen to anything but Christian music. I wouldn't do anything I wasn't supposed to do. When we lost our baby, I was angry. I didn't understand and I still don't. Why would God let our baby die? We were going to love and take care of that baby and provide the most loving, Christ-centered home we could. Why?
I went through months of depression, months of anger, months of not understanding. Why is it that I could look around and see people with babies in the store with no clothes on... they deserved that baby? Why did people who were selling drugs have babies? Why did teenagers who didn't want to get pregnant have a baby and I couldn't? It didn't make sense.
The truth is, it still doesn't make sense and I still don't understand. I'm sure I never will, at least on this side of heaven. I learned a lot through that experience. I learned that God doesn't ever tell us that life will be perfect. He doesn't say bad things won't happen. What He does say is, "I'll be with you through the storms of life" and "I will never leave you or forsake you". That's reassuring because I wasn't very nice after we lost our baby. I was grouchy and angry, yet God was big enough to handle me. He knew what I was feeling. I was His child, weeping, crying out to Him and He was there. I tried to distance myself - like a teenager angry at her parent - locking myself in my bedroom. Trying to be as far as I could without completely letting go.
I know there have to be many of you who've had a similar situation. Some of you have lost more than one baby, some have you have lost 5 or 6 or more. I don't understand it, but I want you to know that God does. He's not doing this to punish you or because you're a bad person. He's there holding you. Just fall into His arms and know that one day, if you're a Believer, you'll get to see that baby! I wonder if our baby would have looked more like Andy, dark hair and dark eyes. One day, one day, I'll know. Until then, I cling to the hope we have in Christ. I rest in the freedom I found in Him through the loss of our sweet baby. Today, I no longer feel like I have to listen to Christian music. I listen to it because I love to praise Jesus! I don't feel like I have to do anything to please Him! I want to please Him because of my love for Him, for who He is, because He is my perfect, loving Father who knows the heartaches and joys of His children.
Jesus, I love you. Thank you for holding me through my storms. I thank you for the three beautiful children you've given me in the last 5 years. I pray for those reading this who have lost their sweet babies. I pray that you would comfort them and help them to draw closer to you through their trials. God, please help them to know that you are near.
You are a blessing in so many different ways to myself and I am sure so many others. Thank you for sharing your love of Jesus with us.
ReplyDeleteIn Christ's Love,
Kimberly Martin
Thought this might be encouraging to you.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk
Misty, I was at your class in Decatur last night, very tired because I just lost our second in two months over the weekend. God has put a lot of encouragement in my life this week. Thank you and thank you also for being a Christian woman and witnessing last night. May God continue to bless you!
ReplyDeleteYour words are just so encouraging to me. I am a Christian, and I still wonder all of those things that you wonder. I wonder most of all why I had to go through this not once, but twice. My first child would be turning 4(lost at 13 weeks) this September, I have 3 year old twin sons, and I would have been giving birth this October 17(lost at 9 weeks). It's so hard on some days, and sometimes I have to pray for Jesus to hold me in His arms and give me comfort. Life's not fair sometimes, and my husband and I would have been good Godly parents. Sometimes I feel the only thing holding me together are my Savior, my husband and other two children, and then knowing that one day I will get to see them.
ReplyDeleteYou should read heaven is for real. A story told from a 4 year olds near death experience. He actually met his miscarried sister in heaven and told his parents all about it. I cried reading it thinking of my lost babies.
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